Should we have bought the maul and the flint birdbath?

Hmmm? What’s that, Hermine?

The maul and the birdbath. From the Sunday markets. That might’ve been a reckless buy.

Maybe I should use the maul to chop off my dick, you fickle bitch?

I mean, honey, you know I’m not pedantic with money. But Holden’s soccer fees have gone up this year. And the auction means—

There’s no need to worry about it, Hermine. The price was great. No question. It’s his first game tomorrow, isn’t it?

You didn’t forget, did you, Rask? You are going?

Not unless I die in my sleep.

It’s a big day tomorrow, Rask darling. For the whole family.

Of course I’m going, Hermine. Where else would I be? Yes, a huge day. Night, darling. Love you.

Love you too.

For fuck’s sake. What a god-awful day to be alive. Coffee does not work on me anymore. Look at all these little bitches and their burnt-snatch Mums.

You look younger every year, Clarice.

Tell my husband that! But, no, seriously, thank you Rask. You’re sweet. We’re still going to beat you this year. Go Sharkies!

Dad, these shoes are too tight.

Rask, did you put on sunscreen lotion?

No, Hermine. Holden, the shoes are fine.

So put some on. Here. Holden, the coach is calling you.

Don’t listen to that fat balding mongoloid, Holden. Just go out there and fuck shit up.

He’s going to do better this year, isn’t he, Rask?

Hmmm? What’s that, Hermine?

Look at him hunching. Lift your knees, Holden! Stretch! Rask, go tell him to stretch.

Stretch? What do you mean, tell him to stretch? They’re about to kick off, darling. Did you get the auction papers? I’m… I’m feeling a little nervous about it.

Please, Rask, he needs your support. Last season was rough on him. And look at some of the new parents. I just know they’re going to go full soccer Mum on these kids. Give him one of your pep talks, dear.

Yours is a beautiful retardation, Hermine.

Fine, Herm. Love you.

Love you, Rask. Don’t be nervous, darling. Kisses.

Well, Holden, how you going? I mean, how do you feel?

Okay, Dad.

You’ve no right to feel okay. You’re a fucking loser. Just like your dad. And you’re about as ready for sport as Elmo without a cock up his arse.

Just okay?

Yeah, okay.

Son, listen. Don’t worry about how you feel now. Just go out there and move. Feel the flow. Remember how nervous you were before the school dance? Then, at the end, remember how you felt fine, even happy?

Happy. Don’t listen to happy. If happiness wasn’t a lie, then why am I in this godless place every fucking Saturday morning? I’m a grown man. I could be anywhere in the sunny world. Except, I can’t be.

Yes, Dad.

Well, you felt pretty good at the end of last season, and you’ll feel even better after the start of this game and the end of this season. So many things feel like shit when you start, but then when you finish, you feel better. Start, push on.

I remember, actually. Thanks, Dad.

And then, you die. Feel shit, feel better, then death. So what’s the fucking point, son, really?

Yes, sure. I understand. Right. No, of course. Yep. I see that. Okay. I’ll be in straight away. Yeah, no, it’s fine, it’s fine, no worries, I just have a thing in the afternoon. Yes, thanks, I’ll see you soon. Goodbye.

Hey, Hermine. Sorry about this honey, but work just called. I know, I know. No, I won’t be late for the auction. Or the wedding. Of course I’ll pick you up. I’ll take the train. No, no, I won’t be late. Promise. It is important, otherwise I wouldn’t… Remember that big project I was telling you—yes, yes, I will. See you. Bye.

Look at these robots on this Saturday morning train. They almost look human in the sunlight. Until they open their mouths. Complain about her, gripe about this, whine about that. Why even bother getting out of bed and pretending you’ve got somewhere to go, you fat turds? Christ, the phone.

Yes, Hermine? Look—yes, no, I know. You don’t have to apologise. I think I can make the wedding. I do. But––okay, okay, I won’t make a big deal about it. I’ll skip the wedding. You’re right –

You’re always right.

—I’ll go straight to the auction and then go to the reception. It won’t look weird, if I do that and make a speech, will it? No, yes, okay. See you soon. Yes, a great day. Bye.

The greatest day of my life, maybe. I seriously can’t take this anymore. I want to cry and die. And that makes me want to laugh. Dare I laugh out loud on a train? Never done that before. Maybe I can watch that documentary on my phone.

Hi, Josef.

Hey, Rasko. Sorry to keep you waiting at your desk. Even more sorry to drag your ass out to the office on a Saturday. Watching something?

Just a documentary. It’s about this untouched tribe in the Amazon and…

Great. Fucking Saturday work, eh?

It’s no problem. Not at all. How… how are you?

Oh, you know. The usual. Just got back from an epic trip to Thailand.

Really? Wow. Sounds… fascinating.

Anyway, let’s go into my office. I just wanted to go over some things before you start.


Resist the urge to smile. This is not the time for smiles.

I don’t need to tell you how important this is. I don’t need to tell you that.

I’ve been here day and night while you were neck-deep in Thai ladyboys, Josef. Of course I know how unimportant this is. The entire nation of Thailand and all their starving children that you never noticed are no doubt waiting with bated breath for me to complete this program for you and for you to pretend you owned it all.

Absolutely, Josef.

This is make or break software. I totally trust your code—the entire board does. But I just want to go over a few things, Rask. Then we can get it done, and both of us can get out of here.

I’ve written a brief for you, if you want to have a look.

No need. I don’t need to tell you that I trust you. This is a great opportunity for your career, after all.

So they tell me.

What’s that?

Every fucker tells me about how great this is for me. All of this. Life. Every single fucker.



Imagine if I just walked out right now and got on a plane and never came back.


Yes, let’s start, Rask. Maybe when we are done we can head over to the pub and have a drink? Maybe hit the pokies? I heard you like to hit the pokies.

Well, no. Actually, I have something on.

Understand. Let’s get started, Rask. I don’t need to tell you that I’m excited.

Thanks for letting me unload, Rask. Thanks for taking some time out of your busy Saturday. Fancy us both being called in to launch the program. But thanks—I needed this. You’re such a good listener.

It’s fine, Nicole. Like I said, I finished up early with the boss so I had a moment. I think it went well, might even be a promotion in it for me. Or for you, perhaps.

In the end, Rask, it’s not working out with her. Problem is, I love her.

Maybe that will fade away.

I’m not usually so lucky. Fancy another pint?

Indifference is what you deserve, you poor girl. After all, there is nothing different about you. Nor about any of us.

No, got to run.

You keep eyeing the pokies. You gamble?


Take it easy, Rask.

You were the one telling me to hurry.

And now I’m saying you should drive more slowly, Rask. So the work thing went well? I smell a promotion in the air.

Hmmm? What’s that, Hermine?

I may not look it, Rask, but I am just as excited as you are about your work. But I’ll be really super excited if we win this auction.

Did you see that?


Should I just turn around and go back? Just fuck the auction and go back? Dare I?

There was a young guy pulled over by a cop. And he was making out with this chick. And the cop was walking up to him and he was still tongue deep in this chick.

No. I did not see that. I did not see any chicks.

Of course you didn’t, you lovely cow.

Are we going to be on time, Rask?

I wish I was that guy. Tongue deep with no care for the pigs and their law. But then again, I don’t.

Hmmm, what’s that, Hermine?

You seem strangely distracted. We have to be focused for this auction. This is a huge day for us. Huge.

Poor fucker. I guess for a lot of guys chasing pussy delivers a sparkle and boost to get us out of bed in the morning. Once the chase is done, and we win, and we are on top, well…

Hey, Rask. It’s okay.

What’s that? What’s okay?

It’s not, Hermine. Nothing’s okay. Are you dumb, insane, or a liar?

Listen, honey. I know you are nervous. I’m nervous too. The upcoming promotion, the auction, my niece’s wedding. Well, you missed the wedding but you’ll make it to the reception. Anyway, I get it. This is a special day. So you’re nervous.

The greatest fucking day ever.

But just remember, Rask, I’m here for you.

What would my greatest day even look like?

Thanks Hermine. Hey, do you remember the doco I started showing you? About the untouched tribe in the Amazon? The Klamm or something?

Hmmm, what’s that? No, I don’t think so. Maybe I fell asleep. Tell me. Wait, I need to fix my make-up.

My greatest day. Yes, I see it now. Never getting out of bed. Not even once. Eating, drinking, even pissing in bed. Being in bed all day and being alone, alone, alone, so alone for once. Watching Game of Thrones, reading a book for a bit, smoking a ciggy secretly, masturbating to select ethnic women on Pornhub and Tumblr, eating whatever, yelling fuck off really loudly to anyone who walks past the window, and listening to Lou Reed, Enya, and Chappelle’s stand up. Playing with a kitten called “Arnold,” because I would have a kitten and I would name it Arnold and I would hold it and smell it and it would love me and I would be all alone with Arnold. And, of course, finishing that documentary about the Klamm tribe or whatever, undiscovered in the Jungle, untouched and unfound.

Okay, Rask, tell me. A movie, was it?

Doesn’t matter. We’re nearly at the auction.

There goes that young guy again. His arm is around his young blonde piece of arse. I’m not going to let him overtake me. No, fuck it, I don’t care. Fuck it, come on in buddy. Take what little joy you can, before…

I’m excited, Rask.

I know. Me too.

I can’t. I can’t do this.

Oh my God, Rask! Darling, we did it! The house is ours!


Have you been waiting long, son?

No, Dad. Mum told me about the house.

Yes, isn’t it just something else?

It’s awesome. Are we going to be late?

So fucking, fucking awesome. A thirty year mortgage. Thirty years. Thirty. Years. Twenty tens, twenty twenties, twenty thirties…

No. Mum went on ahead to help out Janice. She’s changing dresses and stuff.

Cool. You look good, Dad.

The Klamm spent four hundred years in the jungle before we even heard they existed. How long before they sign their first thirty year mortgage and be in line for their second promotion? Here’s hoping that they remain unreachable in that jungle forever.

Thanks, son. You look sharp. Let’s go.


Yes, Holden?

Um, did the auction go okay?

Bunch of petty white fascists bidding for their fortresses. I saw one of them shoot some Muslim bidders with dirty looks. Small-minded suburban cancers on the world. I’m glad I out bid that guy. I mean, fuck Islam, but I hope that Islamophobe’s wife gets fucked into Sharia law.

We won. I was nervous, but our bid won. So yeah, it did go well.


We need to hurry, Holden.

Um, Dad, I know you get sad and stuff, sometimes. I don’t get it. You don’t talk about it. I really don’t get it. I mean, your life, can’t you see? It’s, like, really good, most times.

Dad? Are you going to say something? Dad?

Yesterday, son, I went to the gym. There is this woman there that I’d really like to fuck. We talk often. Yesterday, I found out that she’d really like to fuck me. She came right out and invited me over to her place. She knows I’m married. It was such a turn on. And you know what I did, my son? I thought, did she really think I’d actually fuck her? Of course I’d love to slide my rock-hard cock inside her, repeatedly, over and over, into all her holes. But I’m sane. I’m stable. I’m a normal guy. I’d never cheat on my wife. Not with some skank from the gym who hits on me. I actually love my wife, your mother. God help my fucktardery. And she sank so low as to hit on me?! What the fuck is wrong with psychos these days? Fucking gross. That’s what I thought. Then, as I drove away, I was sick to the stomach that I hadn’t said yes. But nothing from the movies can happen to me. I am, sadly, all too real.


Holden. You’re, you’re… you are good to me, Holden. Now tie up your laces. We’re going to your cousin’s reception, after all.

I watched this doco. About an untouched tribe in Peru or Brazil, or somewhere. It was really fascinating.

I don’t really watch documentaries. I’m into bingeing TV shows at the moment. I didn’t think you’d be the sort that’s into documentaries, Rask. I’m into Stranger Things. Me and the missus binge-watched the whole season in one weekend. Can you imagine? Do you binge-watch? I also like Veep.

I don’t usually like docos. This one made me think. Made me a bit wistful, actually.

Oh yeah? Nice, interesting, interesting. Have you seen Stranger Things?

It struck a chord in me. An honest chord. Fuck Stranger Things and fuck your boring jelly belly wife, Leo. In the documentary, there was this guy in the jungle. He was the chief of the tribe.  He said the strangest thing. He said that none of us are born human. None of us are even born alive. We have to choose to be human, and choose to be alive, every single day. It made me realise that you need a reason to be human and a reason to live, because reasons make choices real. The tribespeople seemed to have their reasons all around them. In the trees, berries, and sun. And in waking and working through darkness and pain. But without a reason to choose life, what’s the difference between working, earning, decorating, marrying, talking, caring, and hell? If you’re not alive, and don’t know how to choose to be alive, then why live?

No, I haven’t seen Stranger Things yet. Veep’s pretty good. That Julia woman has aged well.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, isn’t that Hermine? She’s calling you over.

Fuck, I’m so tired.

Yeah, she is.

No, here she comes. Hey there, Hermine, good to see you.

Hi, Leo. I just saw Soo-Yung earlier. She looks great.

Yeah, she does. Always.

You don’t look too bad yourself.

Oh come on, yeah? You too. You look awesome.

Rask, it’s nearly time for your speech.

I was just telling Rask about Veep, Hermine.

Rask, how are you feeling about the speech?

I’m fine, Hermine. I’m ready.


So ready.

Rask and I haven’t watched Veep, Leo.

Really? He said he liked it.

Did he?

Did I?

He couldn’t have. Remember, Rask darling, you haven’t watched it yet.

Yes, that’s right. I haven’t watched Veep yet.


God, Leo can really talk your ear off, can’t he? Where’s Holden? There he is. Doesn’t Janice look gorgeous in that dress? And her man has really shaped up since—well, you know. God, Rask, this day is going so well. Carpe diem and all that, right darling?


Shame you missed the wedding. But, I know, the promotion… so in the end it was a blessing in disguise. Are you ready for the speech? I still feel so fucking good about the auction.

Yes. Words.

Dad, they just called you up.



Fuck, I’m so tired.

Yep, Holden, here I go.

Yay, good luck honey!

Hello everybody. I’m Words, and I’m Janice’s only Words.

Words. Words. Words and more Words.

Words. Words.

Words. Words. Words. Words, words. Words. Words, and yet, words.

How long can I pause while taking a sip of water? How long have I been up here? I feel nauseous. Look at them all. Shining in the light and hiding in the shadows. Loving the love and fearing the darkness and weakening the human race. Beautiful, attentive people, so ugly and so good at pretending they are not ignoring every word I am saying. Here for the greatest day in Janice’s life. My precious niece—pretty much a daughter to Hermine. So, Janice, what’s next after the greatest day in your life? And after that? And after that? What left to live for, and what does it amount to?

So, in the end, I’d like to sum up all I’ve been saying with a famous quote and a toast. Please, raise your glasses.

This is Janice’s special day. And, yet, after that, life goes on. As I look down on you all, muttering, watching, smiling, my only consolation is that if the roof fell in and all our lives were extinguished not one jot of difference would be made to the history books, and the sweet, sweet, turning of the celestial axes would not pause for a moment of concern.

So, to quote someone wiser than me:

I’m a carbon-copy clone cartoon chicken in a cage, cuckoo, hoorah…

Words, words, words, and, of course, words. To Janice and… Justin?

To Janice and Justin!

Mate, you’re dolled up.

Just came from a wedding.

From your face it looks like you just came from a divorce, mate. What you watching there on your phone?

This documentary. About a tribe. In the Amazon.

Yeah, yeah. I’ve seen that, mate. Good stuff. Well, except that last bit.

Yeah. I just finished it.

Some people call it progress. Well, mate, me and the boys just wanted to thank you. Coming in here to the pokies like that.

No worries. It’s nothing.

I heard it’s not the first time.

It’s nothing.

No, mate, it isn’t nothing. Who comes in and pays for the poor blokes who’ve lost it all? I mean, don’t get me wrong. They’ll probably be right back in debt again next week. But you’re awfully generous, mate. That’s a lot of money, all up. You must be doing alright.

I just bought another house.

Oh, really? Investment? Jeez, maybe you should hold back on this Mother Theresa shit then. But it’s bloody good of you. And, yeah, shame about that untouched tribe losing their lands. Still, without mining, the local market for houses wouldn’t be so crash hot, would it? Maybe one day a bug from the jungle will come along and doll out a little justice, even the scales, so to speak. Take it easy mate.

It’s… nothing. 

Where did you go after the reception, Rask darling? You should’ve stayed for coffee and cake at that absolutely gorgeous Persian sweet shop. Oh, but it doesn’t matter. I guess you and the boys hit the pub? Doesn’t matter. Come closer. Get into bed, darling. Wait, is that the vodka? Wow, you really are celebrating, aren’t you? Well, why not? Here, give me some.

It’s nothing.

Hmmm, what’s that, Rask? I’ll just have a smidge.

Have it all. Take it all. Take everything. Mine it deep.

Darling, what a day. What a fabulous day.

Don’t touch me, Hermine.

I don’t normally get all gooey at weddings. But after the auction, the promotion—

The possible promotion.

—well, yes, the probable promotion. Well, after all that, I remember our wedding day, and then our kids being born, and it just makes me think, is all.

Do you think, “Is this it?”

Very funny, darling. I think about how good a husband and father you are. My sexy man. Come here.

Be patient, Rask darling. It’s only been five minutes. Just let me keep touching you.

This is so fucking hilarious it’s all I can do not to laugh.

How does that feel?



Wait, let me try my mouth.

You really want to get fucked, Hermine? You really want me to fuck you? Do you want to fuck me, yet again? Fine.

Rask, yes.

Take deep breaths. Don’t let her touch you and feel how soft you are. Give it time. Finger her hard. Tell her it’s whisky dick.

Oh, Rask.

That woman at the gym. Her dirty smile, fat oblong tits, tight yoga pants and fuckable blonde hair.

Now. Put it in.

Her fuck-me eyes. Her stupid laugh.

Yes, yes, Rask, more.

Her sweaty skin. The natives in the jungle. Her pulsing pores and blue eyes. The native breasts flailing. Her fuckable ass and freckled cleavage. The natives dancing. Her invitation to her place.

Rask, yes, yes, wait, don’t pull so hard, my hair.

Going to her place and fucking her in the kitchen. The natives crying as the mining deal is made. Going to her place and fucking her in her stinking gym sweat and housewife screams. The natives watching their trees cut down. Turning her down and watching her disappointment.

Careful Rask, that hurts!

The natives wearing t-shirts. Veep. The angry blond look. Bulldozers. Programs. Tanned breasts. Marrying Hermine. Five bedrooms. Fucking bitches. The natives working at an office. Turning her down and turning her out. Islamophobia-phobic. Words. Was she really wanting to bang me? Police sirens. Words. Auctions. Ass. Words. Gym sweat. Money. Wordswords. Mortgage. Holden. Disappointment. Word Wordswords. Stranger Things. Maul. Hermine moaning. Bird-bath. The jungle. Flint. Words, words, words, faster, words, fasterfaster, words, now.

The end.

Rask, did you take out the garbage? Rask, are you awake? Sorry, did I wake you? Sorry. Don’t worry about the garbage. Keep sleeping.

Wait, Rask. It’s just that… But don’t you sometimes feel that these special days can feel, you know, so ordinary after all the excitement has faded? Like a sugar crash.

You don’t? Forget it, I don’t know what I’m saying. Nothing can take away from today. Sleep well, my love.

Love you too, Hermine. I actually do.

What time is it? Thank God, still not morning. I have to go back. Catch that dream before it fades. Let me go back there. Please. Am I crying? Are these tears? I can still remember the dream, let me go back. Let me slip away. A beautiful great jungle glade, with sunlight and birds, and I am there, all alone, a small and naked boy, running through the jungle and picking berries with fresh air in my flowing hair. I am there, and I am alone, slipping away forever in the lush green leaves…

Maheesha thinks this guy is a bit of a jerk, and he has watched Veep. Please comment below, message him here, or throw him a few bucks so he too can experience Auction Anxiety.