Questionnaire with the Heartbeat of a Car Crash

Q.

No, morning is the time to repent, to promise. Craving occurs around late afternoon.

Q.

Yes, if almost always is a lot.

Q.

Every morning. My body demands I quit.

Q.

Try to keep it from you all. At times I fool your mother and Kaali. But hopeless with you.

Q.

Guilt more often than shame. Guilt is eternal. Shame hinges on post-drinking behavior. The former born of the sole act of drinking. Latter from certain actions. Gaali-galoch in a gathering, dreaming on the floor, yelling at your mother…

Q.

Always alone.

Q.

I labor more than my body allows. I drink at work. Reason I spend more time at the shop.

Q.

Alcohol affects the memory like a car crash — how I remember everything before a particular point in the evening and nothing at all after that particular point in time. Maybe that’s why there’s more guilt than shame. I forget what I should be ashamed of — only remember how I feel in the morning. The physiological troubles. My stomach. The nausea in my stomach, my brain. The nausea in my brain.

Q.

Nobody becomes an alcoholic in celebration.

Q.

Intelligent question, but no. I’m faithful to Johnnie Walker. Have no appetite for change.

Q.

You know the answer. Almost every other day. This is how guilt and shame enter the landscape of my body, against the flood, the false promises.

Q.

Don’t believe anyone outside of this house cares about it.

Q.

But then, you’re interviewing me, aren’t you?

Q.

Better gut, for sure. Would’ve been more dedicated to work, probably richer than bhai, but I never cared for that. The indisputable impact would be on my thinking, I guess: my perception of the world. More positive. I would be more positive. Alcohol cripples your mental, your emotional spirit. And I guess—no—most of my irritation arises from impatience. But then, it’s also alcohol easing things for me. I feel more patient—much more patient as I—when I drink. When I drink, life is not—not as much a torture then.

Q.

Know the incident with the SHO—there’s that. And. Well. Countless drink-and-drive challans.

Q.

You know this too, know all the answers already. I don’t understand the point of this.

Q.

Yes. I’ve started to practice abstinence on Tuesdays again. Been five dry Tuesdays. It’s Friday today and I’m not drunk-drunk, so that’s something.

Q.

There have been months when I’ve been able to do that. Some winters ago—you remember those?

Q.

No compromise on morals. Ever. A drunk man must not lose his senses. Or his clothes.

Q.

I’m not prone to vomiting, but otherwise, yes. I tremble. Sometimes when I’m driving to work, I feel I’ll collapse. My gut is a huge mess. I am wickedly sensitive to sound, to light. And this flooding impatience with the smallest things. If I say I need a glass of water, I need it before I’ve asked. And then. On non-alcoholic nights. Great pauses of sadness. Beneath. Everything fades, is faraway. But it’s not all that gloomy—things start to get better if you don’t drink for a week or so and drink less when you do.

Questionnaire with a Waterfall

  1. Strongly disagree / Never
  2. Disagree / Rarely
  3. Sometimes agree sometimes disagree / Sometimes
  4. Agree / Often
  5. Strongly agree / Very often
You love life under water1  245
You have more energy under water1235
You are tired of water1245
Living under water makes you sick1235
You covet the warmth of water1234
Time flows faster under water1234
Your work is unaffected by living under water1235
You have no appetite under water1245
You have learned to stand still under water1345
On land you fantasize being under water1235
You find yourself sleepwalking under water1345
Despite breathing under water, you are thirsty1234

Questionnaire as the Lump in Ma and Kaali’s Throats

  1. Never
  2. Rarely
  3. Sometimes
  4. Often
  5. Always
You despise the wolf123  4
You sympathize with the wolf1345
You feel you have learned to live with the wolf1345
You wish the wolf could hear your prayers1235
The wolf is as omniscient and deaf as God1234
The wolf would be offended by the above statement1234
You will gladly offend the wolf1345
You pray for the wolf’s death2345
At this point you will not mind killing the wolf yourself2345
You despise the wolf12  35
You sympathize with the wolf1235
You feel you have learned to live with the wolf1235
You wish the wolf could hear your prayers1234
The wolf is as omniscient and deaf as God1234
The wolf would be offended by the above statement1234
You will gladly offend the wolf1245
You pray for the wolf’s death1245
At this point you will not mind killing the wolf yourself2345

Karan sometimes questions his heartbeat. Please comment below, read more from the author at his website, or consider donating a sum to this magazine as thanks for this experience.